Last time I left you was a low point that I wasn’t sure I could crawl out of. In fact, I’m still clawing my way back up; hopefully I’ve made some progress. I doubt it. My grandmother died and I’ve thought about calling her every other day since then. *Queue Jojo’s Too Little Too Late in the background*
I got my nipples pierced, then promptly took out the piercings two weeks later. That’s another discussion for another day, but all I know is that I have wanted it done for four years and instantaneously regretted every dollar I spent on it (600 to be exact). I’ve taken an LSAT course that I thought would prepare for a test that would determine my future. Spoiler alert: it really has not.
My best friend/cousin moved to France to start her journey at art school and it’s slowly crushing me. We FaceTime nearly every day, but I still feel an empty space in my gut because she’s so far from me. Today I even broke down talking to her because I just feel like I’m not enough.
I have an averagely good GPA (3.47), barely any extracurriculars, I’ve kept a steady part time job (but really how good does that even look on a resumé). My major wasn’t impressive, my LSAT practice scores are depressingly low, and I just feel like I’ve got no drive to do anything. She told me I don’t give myself enough credit, but the truth is I really don’t deserve any.
I’m not a stellar student, I don’t have a life or career lined up. I don’t want to be somebody’s mother or wife even though that’s all I’m qualified to be these days. Yesterday at work (lol, like my job is even a real thing), I impulsively bought $320.00 shoes. Stuart Weitzman’s to be exact. I love them and I’m so glad I have them because they are totally me, but do I need them? Do I have the monetary funds for them? The answer is a hard no. Hell-to-the-fuck-no. Yet here we are, typing with the shoes on my feet as we speak. Maybe I thought they would bring me joy and inspire me to somehow make more money? All I know is that I feel instant regret but simultaneously love them all at once. It’s great but still an awful feeling. A moral conundrum if you will.
The truth is, I don’t know what I want and I don’t have the passion to work hard enough for anything. I miss my best friend more than anything but I can’t let her know for fear of interfering in her new adventure. That just would not be fair to her whatsoever.
My goal in writing this all down today is hopefully to bring some clarity to myself. To allow myself to sort out my thoughts in all of this. Still nothing has come to me. I exercise 3-4 days a week in the hopes that it will settle me, still nothing. I get more and more worried every damn day that I’m going to become reliant on my parents and some medication to pull me out of the pit that has been the last five years.